I'm really scared of admitting to the world that I've been involved with a married man for 15yrs.
We met at work when I was a very young & naive 23yr old. I thought our romance would change the world....I knew he was married but thought I was special enough to make him leave his life & be with me.
He never said he wanted to leave her though. He said he was happily married. I thought he was lying to protect himself. After 1yr of sneaking around and enjoying stolen moments (which made him all the more attractive) I found out his wife was pregnant with their first child.
I quit my job & tried to cut him out of my life. I got involved in another relationship way too quickly & had my heart broken. So when MM called me & begged me to come back to him, I ran into his arms.
Fast forward 3years.....on the day my grandfather died, I rang MM for support but he wasn't at work - we only speak during work hours. I rang the next day but again, he wasn't there. I spoke to a mutual friend who told me his wife had given birth to their 2nd child. I didn't even know she was pregnant again.
I tried again to end things but my low self esteem drove me back to him. Again & again & again. And then all of a sudden, I'm 38 and still with him. We speak every day, but no emails or text messages - they are trackable and he doesn't take any such risks. We never go out in public, only ever spend time at my place. He doesn't seem married to me - he doesn't wear a ring, doesn't talk about his family. In my mind, they don't exist. But when he leaves me to go home to them, I know they do. When he cancels on me or stands me up because of a family need, I know I'm last in line.
I search for the magic solution to walk away....what is lacking in me that I am satisfied filling a gap in another relationship & not having something of my own?
And the worst of it all, I know I'm not the only one. He has told me of other women he is with, I've heard him talk to them, I've seen him with them.
Recently, I've started to imagine telling his wife about him, but the guilt of ruining his children's lives gets to me. They don't need to know the truth of their father from me. If they are meant to learn about him, they will. I wonder if karma will come back to me one day for being in another woman's world....and still I am with him. I don't understand how she doesn't know, how she can't see who she is married to, but I know for a fact, she has no idea - we have a mutual friend who knows about MM & I. I see myself telling her what a scum she is married to but for what purpose? To hurt him?
Someone asked me once if I saw myself with him at aged 40 & I was adamant "NO WAY". Means I have 2yrs to walk away. I wish I could go back in time & not let him kiss me that first time. I wish I had never embarked on this journey.
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