I am so torn, hurt and tired...

by Samantha
(Minnesota, USA)

We met at work and although I hadn't noticed him much for 2 yrs, somehow last year, I did, and we forged a friendship. I'm married, so is he. He is handsome, funny, smart, also 12 yrs older than me but that's never been an issue. He got me. We have such a strong connection. But we're married -- to other people. We connected over my marriage woes, he however barely talks about his wife. He doesn't see the need. Last year I almost left my husband. Almost moved out. Almost got my own place. Then I chickened out. Maybe it was divine intervention, maybe I jus wasn't ready to give up on my marriage. But through out all of last year, I've seen my MM.

We've spent countless hrs together, went on dates, hung out at his apartment, made love in his bed. He is in a unique situation where his wife is Canadian and for whatever reason, she has not yet moved to the US. I keep hearing soon, this summer (which was last year), this summer (which is this year and is almost over)....but she's still not here yet. He's currently over in Canada right now..visiting his wife for a week. And I'm going insane. I miss him.

He says he loves me, but isn't in love with me. That one hurt. He says he's not ready to let me go. He says, I'm his queen but he won't call me wifey because that's her title. LOL I sound so pathetic. He can ignore me when I get hurt or upset and blast him on text (our main way of communicating). He can shut me off for hours without one word and not feel badly about it. He says I'm blowing this up, I'm making problems out of nothing...I'm the one messing it up. I say I'm tired of being option #2...then he says something cute, funny or loving and I say oh what the hell and stay. He says he needs me. He came online yesterday and we chatted on IM for a bit. He said he misses his queen. He can't wait to see me. He loves me. He bought me some souvenirs and will buy something for my daughter....sigh.

I ask my girlfriend if it could be love...she says she's not convinced he's in love. I feel like I am just a placeholder, keeping his wife's spot warm until she comes to the states. Maybe he's just using me for sex. I've asked him if this is the case...and that I'd rather he be upfront so I know what I'm dealing with. He says I'm way more than a side chick, booty call or place holder. His response is, do I treat you like you're my side ho? I say no...then he feels justified and the topic gets dropped.

Lately, I feel tired. I don't want to be number 2. My husband and I are doing much better. He's made some great improvements, and so have I. We get along better. Work together. Communicate better. Even sex is so much better at home than with my MM. So why can't I drop MM? Sigh. That's the big question. lately I notice that he has changed with me, my MM. He doesn't talk as much to me, he won't listen to my rantings about us, he keeps me at a distance....maybe that's my cue to leave. But when I ask him what's going on, is he ready to give me up, he says no...I am not. I need you. What the hell is going on?

Writing this out actually makes me see how pathetic I've become. He helped me see my worth...and he's helping me see it again....he doesn't deserve me.

Wow....speechless right now.