I need courage to get out.....

by carolina
(canada)

I am 41 years old. been having a love affair with married man for almost 2 years. he is 56 yrs old - 15 years older than me. I met him through social function.
In the past 2 years, we are basically so much in love. We are so much alike. We think the same, we could talk for hours. We text for hours every night.
He said, he deeply in love with me and never met anyone like me before. Same with me, I never met anyone as romantic, as sweet, as loving as he is. I love head over hells over this man.
In the beginning, he told me that he has been unhappy with his 28 yrs of marriage. He felt lonely and needed a friend. Now... we are lover - partner - soul mate - best friends - in every way.
He opened my eyes about the world... he changed me, and made me into this confident woman. People say I am very beautiful, but now, my confidence shines. I know my confidence shine, because I am loved by him.

We meet only once a week. Every saturday when his wife goes to work. for about 3-4 hours. Sometimes, twice a week. Rarely.
Our sex life is fantastic.... he said he never had sex with his wife ever since he met me. I never believe that.
During 2 years, although we have such an unbelievable love affair, and yet, we broke up so many times because the emotional tolls and the arguments were too much. I keep pushing him to make decision. he wanted me to wait. I wait..and I wait...
so many times he bailed our time together, just because his wife was there. Last ocassion... 2 weeks ago. We had planned to have time together on the weekend. It was a sunny beautiful day, a day that I've been waiting for for so long... and he bailed, because he spent it outside with his wife...

He told me...he wanted to be with me. He wanted to marry me....but he said, of course he needed to leave his wife first. He kept telling me he would leave his wife "soon". But that "soon" never came....
in the beginnng, he said he needed time because he needs more money to support himself. Now he has more money.... he still couldn't do it...
Lately, when the clock really ticking and he has discussion with her, he told me... that basically he couldn't do it. He just couldn't have the heart to do it. He said it would destroy her. but he know he needs to do it because he really want to be with me. he said, he needs more time. How long should I wait ?

I sacrifice so much for him. I would make my time free, just so i can accomodate our time together whenever he can. He never see it that way. If i said it, he would selfishly said "well, i never asked you to do it ". I know he never asked me that... but i really wanted to spend time with him.
During our broke up before... i barely lived. I cried non stop. My emotional level now has drastically changed. Many times, when I got so frustrated with him, of his unability to make decision, or not put me on the bottom of totem pole, i would got so frustrated that i feel like i'd rather die.
I feel so depressed. I try to be cheerful. but deep down... i am suffering. so much.

Not only he's married.... when he's angry and when we have our fights... he had no issue of giving me emotional torture, or threaten me, or calling me names. I know he is selfish and mean. He admitted to me that yes, he is a selfish man. and just take the easy road. I don't know why i am so in love with him and that i can't break free from him.
I feel so down.... countless times i would sob and sob and sob... feeling so low and feel rather die. But then, when we make up again, he would be the sweetest loving man again, who look me deeply with his hazel eyes... and say all those loving words and promises to me. And I would fall again... back into his arms. Stupid eh ? and the most pathetic one.... despite he cause the issue or I cause the issue, I would be the one that apologizing and say "I'm sorry", just because i don't want to lose him.

His wife knows about us... She found out about us a year ago, but she begged him not to leave... they veen married now for almost 30 years....
Only one thing that keep me hanging there. Because i love him. so much. But is it worth it ? I dont know. Would I be only the statistic ?

In the past 2 years, it's been the happiest moments on my life and yet, ironically, i've never cried as much as i had before in my entire life. I barely sleep now. I am so stressed out, thinking, if or when he would leave his wife.

People said I am beautiful... and i would be easy to find another man. But i just can't.... i close the door for every man that approach me. I would look for this MM on other men....
Not only that.... He is a VERY jealous man. In his eyes, I must accept him still sleeping in the same bed with his wife, but it's not acceptable for me to even go out with male friend socially. He woudl be so jealous that his jealousy eating him all up. I remembered he drove away one time , leaving me in the cold after i admitted i have friendship with a male friend.
What shoudl I do ? i know i should leave.... but I don't have the courage to do so. I would feel so lonely.... my life would be so empty.
but at the same time, i know that this situation destroying my confidence. my self esteem, and my emotional health.

I guess.... i am just a very lonely girl, that deeply in love with the wrong man. I just don't have any courage to end it...... The thoughts of not having him in my life... is unbearable.... I can't do it....
It's like...living without water, or air....
I just still dreaming... and hoping ...he would leave his wife and be with me......

I know I feel so pathetic. I feel so stupid. and yet... i can't break lose from him....
Help....