Leaving is devastating but staying is heartache

As long as I can remember, I hated cheaters; in fact it made me ill when I heard of a man cheating on his innocent wife. Once a cheater, always a cheater was my mantra. So never in a million years would I have guessed that "I" would be the other woman. My marriage was ok. I married my high school sweetheart. With the years, we both became complacent and I was being taken advantage of.

One, because I at first wanted to handle everything in the relationship (very type A personality) and two, I let it overwhelm me and never said anything, therefore, the resentment and hate towards my husband built and built until one day I became completely disconnected to him. The affair started off innocent.

Brief interactions, teasing, sarcasm, joking, etc. I really felt connected to this person and not in an inappropriate way, just connected in some weird sense. Our brief conversations led to more in-depth conversations which led to lunch. We had many lunch dates where we discussed our feelings, beliefs, relationships, etc. Never did he bad mouth his wife, he treded very lightly not to and I too didn't bad mouth my husband, after all, he is a great man, and father.

Our contact became frequent, exchanging emails and phone calls. We could talk about everything and anything, our attraction (not just physical) was strong. Two months into the relationship, he kissed me. It was amazing, yet at that moment, that is when it sank in that I'm cheating. Not as if I didn't realize it before, but the kiss made it crystal clear. That said, I felt guilty, yet not terribly guilty for my actions. He made me happier than I have been for years.

He was filling this awful void that my spouse wasn't filling. From that day forward, we contacted each other daily, and our kissing sessions were frequent. A month later, he spoke to his wife and confessed he had been having an emotional affair and that he did not feel connected to her, etc, etc. From there, she found an email that he had sent me where he poured out his heart. She about died, and rightfully so. Not only did he partially confess, she found this loving email sent to me. She knew who I was, there was an actual name associated with the affair.

Needless to say, my husband found out and surprisingly, he forgave me. The affair didn't continue for a month or so, but then it started up again, stronger than before. He poured out his heart (saying I love you). His emails were eloquent, and melted my heart. Everything he said, I concurred with. Our contact increased, seeing each other daily, email exchanges, lunch dates, etc. Our affair was the gold standard of all "emotional" affairs. I fell in love with him, head over heels and I believe he loved me; however, he wasn't leaving his family for me. Deep down, I knew he wouldn't leave, so on two occasions I broke it off. The emotional toll it was taking on me was unbearable.

However, on both occasions I was weak and gave in when he contacted me. It was a vicious cycle that was toxic. Ten months later, after a series of events, I told him that I'm sick of the lies, sick of being the "other woman", the secret. I was committed to make a move, because I truly loved him but he "couldn't leave his kids", which meant, he wasn't going to leave his family, EVER. Which really meant, he never had any intentions to be with me. It was a "having your cake and eating it to" scenario. It was terrible. I was pursued for months by him. He reached out to me; I didn't know he existed before then. He emailed me, called me, took me out to lunch, kissed me, initiated everything and I thought he really loved me.

But was just a place holder - he could sew his wild oats and go back home. I was used (though I don't believe it was his intension). My heart was broken, shattered into pieces. I can't believe I ended up a statistic, one that I despised. I knew better, I was raised better, yet it happened. I opened my heart and it was crushed. Rightfully so! You reap what you sew, right.