My dream became my nightmare

by julie
(rochester, ny)

I am in a relationship with a married man. It's been going on (and off) for 20 years.

He is my high school sweetheart and what I thought was my soul mate. I've been married twice and had it in my mind (and heart) that I would never find the love I had with him or how I felt when I was with him.

I (we) have been caught by our spouses at least 10 times in the past 12 years. So we would cool it of awhile but always end up seeing each other again. This patten obvioulsely lead to the end of my marriage.

I back to my home town (also his) about a year and 1/2 ago and within 2 weeks starting seeing him again....he told his wife about us, and ended it with her....somewhat. He never left the house. After about 6 months I started seeing changes in his behavior and actions with me and he admitted that he was back with her. He claimed his children (15, 18 and 25) all told him that if he wasn't going to be with their mother then they would rather see him move out then see her live through the daily tourment. He choose to stay.

I have no idea how I came to the decision to stay in the relationship. I guess I felt that he loved me enough and wouldn't be able to live a double life. That was over a year ago.

I have ended the relationship over 30 times, only to take him back after a few days.

I live a daily life of when, for how long and will he ever be with just me.

I am on medication, in therapy and am hanging onto my job by a thread because of my realtionship with him. But I still feel we are soulmates, he is the love of my life and my best friend, regardless of the daily hurt he puts me through.

I struggle daily with the obvious, why don't I just end it. He has promised me the rest of his life if I can wait 3 more years until his youngest graduates. Pathetically enough I believe him, sometimes......

I am smart enough to realize that our relationship is anything but perfect, but our time together seems to heal the pain enough for me to continue it....I've said it all....all of you or nothing....get out of my life, you can't possibly love me like you claim if your doing this to me.....and just can't seem to end it with him....

I am looking for the strenght to get my life back....to care about anything but what he's doing....something. To make my family, friends and career important again....I am slowley dying inside, while he continues to promise me a life.

I have heard from several people that if I leave him, and make him miss me, miss what we have....I will find out the truth. I have to admit, with him staying there and lying daily I am afraid to find out the truth. Afraid of loosing him forever....

Why I put myself through this daily torment is beyong my understanding. I am an intellegent, attractive women.

I have to end the realtionship with the person who I love the most in this world and just don't know how to do it.

The best phrase I have read lately is: never make someone your priority when they only make you an option. My life in a nutshell.

Mentally and emtionally drained is how I would describe myself. I am looking for the strenght, courage and wisdom to end and know it is what's best for ME.....