Why me?

by Renee
(USA)

Why me? I have always been the good one. Born and raised in church and the daughter of a former pastor. I wasn't looking for love, but it found me...so I thought. I was lied to by the man I currently love for over a year, until I found out he was married.

I was shocked! Based on a number of different events that occurred over that first year, I thought maybe he had a girlfriend, but never in a million years did I think he was actually married.

Now it's been 4 years and I've stayed in this relationship because he has made progress towards the steps in dissolving his marriage of now 11 years. It seems as if each step he takes to get closer to "my" goal of divorce is just enough for the time being until I demand for more.

She has moved out for over a year and I am now able to stay the night at his house (that was my last demand). It's not enough. It will never be enough until I hear, "I've filed for divorce." I don't know what it is. I love him so much and I know he loves me. Being with him is effortless and the amazing connection we have cannot be denied. He really is a good man and I really think I've convinced myself that what I'm doing is OK.

My family knows he's married on paper, but I've convinced them, as he has convinced me, that he's not married. He's met my kids and the people that are most important to me. What's so crazy is that I've never been contacted by his wife? Does she know? She has to know? What woman wouldn't know?

I know this relationship is wrong on so many levels. Why me? Why am I being tested this way? It's not fair. I've suffered for so long and keep putting my life on hold because I don't want to miss out on something I know will work if given an opportunity. I deserve him, but does he deserve me? I'm the devoted "other woman" who stays "faithful" to her married lover. How crazy is that!?

I've told him that I need a break. It's been two days and I miss him so much. He has not called yet, but he will. I want to get out of this vicious cycle that's making me so dizzy that I can't see straight.